Why Commuting Makes Me Hate Humans & All They Stand For...

Being unemployed for two months made me forget the joys of the daily commute. Now that I have about an hour drive each way--an hour of bumper-to-bumper, driving 25mph on the freeway commuting, I thought I'd share my rant of why I hate everyone else on the road.

I know that everyone thinks they are a better driver than they actually are, but I know I'm not alone in thinking that all drivers fall into one of the following categories:

1.) Punk Boy: Slumped down in the driver's seat, steering with hand in the 12:00 wrist position. Backwards baseball cap and absurdly large spoiler are optional. He can be seen tailgating everyone else and madly zig-zagging through traffic. He's usually driving a Honda Civic or similar, but pimped out with a stereo system and shiny rims that cost more than the car is worth.

2.) Phone Boy: Basically the same person as Punk Boy, but he can also be driving a "status" car--usually a BMW or Audi. The one difference is the cellphone plastered to his ear. You've seen him driving slowly & erratically in front of you. Yes, there are "phone girls" as well, but the boys seem to be more common.

3.) Glamour Girl: She's driving slowly and erratically in front of you because she's busy applying her makeup on the freeway. Honey, if you can't make it work for you before you leave the house, what makes you think mascara at 50 mph is going to help? She is usually driving an SUV and dominating the left lane.

4.) Lane Nazi: Probably my #1 pet peeve. Lane Nazis will spread themselves across all lanes of traffic, driving slower than the posted speed limit. They see themselves as pace cars, leaving huge open spaces in front of them, and snarls of back-ups behind them. Damn it! They can't understand why everyone is tailgating and in such a hurry, and they will not speed up or leave the "fast lanes" for anything. Usually, they will slam on the brakes if you get too close.

5.) Obnoxious Vanity Plate Person: Personally, I think all vanity plates are stupid. They don't bother me except when they are over-the-top annoying like the one I saw on Friday--a woman driving a Lexus SUV with a vanity plate that said "Admire". My all time most loathsome sighting was a college age girl, driving a Spyder convertible with the vanity plate "IOU1 Dad"--It took every ounce of willpower I had not to slam my boring, practical, worked-my-ass-off-to-buy Toyota into that car.

6.) Obnoxious Bumper Sticker Person (OBSP): Poorer, distant cousin to "Obnoxious Vanity Plate Person", OBSP will litter their car with every sort of political bumper sticker available: American flags, "Support Our Troops" magnets, Jesus or Darwin fish, basically any bandwagon they can jump on. The best one I've seen was the pickup with "Bush/Cheney" stickers all over it--one read: "We're winning the war. The economy is great, so shut up!" The driver was wearing a big 'ol cowboy hat--talk about a stereotype.

7.) Marshall, Will, & Hollys: These people are truly in the Land Of the Lost and can usually be found on the surface streets, driving slowly and slamming on the brakes at each intersection (Is this where I turn?) If there is more than one person in the car, there is usually a lot of pointing going on. Pull over and look at a map or ask Enoch for directions, Damnit!!!!

8.) Old People: Sorry, Q-Tips. If you are unable to see over the steering wheel or the freeway scares you, so you can't drive over 45 mph, then it's probably time to hang up the old driving goggles.

9.) Mini-van Mom (Can also be SUV Mom)- Mom is so busy turning around in the car, van, or SUV to yell at, talk to, or hand things to her kids that she is completely unaware of her surroundings and drives accordingly.

And to all the other weird things I've seen: eating (not fries & a burger--I'm talking utensils and a plate), reading (mostly a newspaper, but in one case a Bible), rummaging around in the car (a bone of contention with me, since that's what caused the accident that disabled my daughter), not signaling ever...I could go on and on.

But why should I have all the fun? Please add your favorite on-the-road character--I'm sure I've forgotten many.